Monday, May 4, 2009


I've been living in the netherworld lately. Neither here nor there, pretty much not anywhere.

Lots of uncertainty and that bugs me. I'm not an uncertain person. I think and I conclude and I act. But there's no solid ground these days. My plans have been thwarted left and right, replaced by new plans, and then those change, and still nothing is decided. Even my thoughts have all been half-baked lately. I just can't figure it out. The only respite I find is when I mob over to the prayer chapel and admit to God that the words just aren't there. They aren't sufficient. My prayers begin, "Oh, Father..." and even my mind simply babbles something like, "I'm tired...don't you for...I can't begin...what will happen? I beginning or ending?...what now?..." etc. etc. until I just say, "God, you know my heart. Accept my silence." It's a profoundly humble feeling.

But still, I don't like the constant wandering. Lewis talked of it in A Grief Observed. He called it "empty successiveness," "a permanently provisional feeling," like my life is just something temporary, waiting to be traded in for the real thing.

Jars of Clay: "You know who you are and you know what you want. I've been where you're going and it's not that far. It's too far to walk, but you don't have to run. You'll get there in time."

Obviously I'm not the only wanderer.

Hebrews chapter 11 pt. one (summary): lots of men and women of great faith were wanderers, too. They had no city to call home. They were exiles.

I think I'm an exile.

Lewis wrote about a certain sense of unbelonging in the Horse and His Boy, my (probable) favorite of the Chronicles of Narnia. "We were made for something greater." I've always resonated with Shasta. "What about all my troubles?" Oh, yes. Haha, my troubles. "'Who are you??' the boy asked. 'Myself. Myself. Myself.'"

Hebrews chapter 11 pt. two: The people who were exiles lived in anticipation of a better world instead of looking constantly backwards. Like Shasta, they were made for something greater.

"God was not ashamed to be called their God,
for he has prepared for them a city

That's consolation if I've ever heard it.

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