I've been thinking about seminary again, why I think I'm going to do it, where I'll go...what do I want from seminary? what do I want from seminary?
I hate that question. I hate it because I keep asking it of myself. I hate it because I feel like I should ask it. I hate it because it's definitely the wrong question.
Does there come a point when you've learned enough? (Maybe for a time. Maybe I need to soak it in for a while.) Learning about theories of being and of God seems so pointless lately. Objectively studying apologetics does more to remove me from being a participant in the story of grace than to make it truly real to me. I look at it from the outside, see how this concept coheres with this logical argument, examine what the implications of this-and-such are on the ontological argument... and it seems so distant. When did I last realize that "that than which nothing greater can be conceived" (TTWNGCBC) is really that than which NOTHING GREATER can be conceived!!? Can my brain even understand that? Certainly not from the outside.
Lewis said in The Weight of Glory, "We do not merely want to see beauty, though, God knows, that is bounty enough. We want something else which can hardly be put into words--to be united with the beauty we see, to pass into it, to receive it into ourselves, to bathe in it, to become part of it." We are made to be participants, not observers; revelers, not merely audience members. You are the bride, not the guests. And this truth should flip your world upside down, people.
And ironically, these days my life only seems to make sense when I remove myself from the picture of it. I must get lost in the glory of His gospel and let myself wander aimlessly, exploring and enjoying the beauty of it all, the beauty of the cross, the beauty of Him.