New [School] Year Resolutions - Part 1

1. Find a good, not-too-distracting place to study.

It's taken me this long, right? But really, this might seem easy, seeing as I live at a university--a place created for studying. Yeah, right. There is NO place on this small campus where I can study without distraction. Let me explain my options:

1) Dorm Room. Can't do it there because there are 23 other girls whom I love with all my heart and who seem far more interesting than my physics homework any moment of the day. Plus, they say things like, "Elena, I can't believe you're graduating in May!" Sigh. Don't remind me.

2) Student Union. Okay, I'm introduced as a "connections" person. That is to say, I know a solid percentage of the student body. There are always dozens of people to catch up with and SOMEHOW, they all hang out in the Union.

3) Outside. Well, on the days where it's nice enough to hang out on the grass, it's also warm enough to put you to sleep as you "read" laying out on a blanket.

4) The Library. Oh yes, this one makes me laugh. I mean, of all the places on campus, this one is specifically set aside as a quiet place for people to sequester themselves away to get work done. Yeah, except for the bibliophiles like me who can't be in a bookstore for fewer than 45 minutes.

(One incident: I went to Borders a few days before school to pick up a book for Caroline. I knew exactly the book I was supposed to get, I found it within 5 minutes, and I should have been out of there pronto especially since the grandparents were coming over for dinner that night. Hahaha. I managed to hang around for about an hour. I didn't even purchase anything besides what I came for, though I was sorely tempted.)

Just the knowledge that there are hundreds of books by Lewis, MacDonald, Dickens, Kreeft, Sartre, Dostoyevsky, etc. etc. sitting only a few feet away from me is the biggest distraction of all. There are so many times when I've gone into the library with only the books I need for my homework, spent some 2+ hours in there, and finally left with 20 books in my hands, none of which have to do with my classes. But looking at those books, smelling them, flipping through and discovering that the author was influenced by some other guy whose books are right over on the next shelf and demanding my attention as well... It's addictive. My consolation is that if I go to graduate school and become a prof myself, every so often I'll be able to take a paid year to accumulate and flip through/browse/become engrossed in books of all sorts and call it research. Or better yet-- a sabbatical. Oh, the perks of academia.

Anyway, I've ruled out the orthodox options. Unless I find a white padded cell (a suggestion for myself that I posed to my mom back in 3rd grade), I suppose I'll have to cope with/enjoy the distractions.

I survived today (yesterday).

I honestly wondered if I would... but I did. I guess that's comforting.

Question --
If we hope for the best and prepare for the worst, what are we supposed to expect?

So, I have this playlist called "Six Songs" because there are six songs in the playlist. (It used to be called "Five Songs" because there were only five, but I added one tonight. I am very tired.) They have some sick lyrics and no doubt. Recent addition to the playlist is Re: Stacks by Bon Iver. "Your love will be safe with me."

Also, I decided that coward + thrill-seeker = anxiety/personality disorder (except that I don't have a personality disorder. I'm just a paradox.) But don't worry. We'll deal with that in no time. Still, why are some people so supremely intimidating?? Hm.

Rampage

Sometimes I wonder what the HELL I'm doing in media communications. Do I really think I can make it? And if I did, do I really think I could change how people think? Heck, could I even get them to think at all? People go to the movies as a form of escapism. Any message they really take in is subconscious, if at all (it seems). How could you reach people, educate them, challenge them--through something that's hardly more influential than a dream??!

How would I be any different than the radio station that helps faceless, nameless kids through instant messaging? It feeds our neglect of personal, one-on-one relationships. Hell, how do I deal through that when it's what I consider the BANE of our society and civilization??

What would I do if not media? Probably some combo of economics, theology, philosophy, and God knows what else. There's not time enough on the earth to learn what I want to know. That may well be my downfall. (P.S. I'm currently browsing a book about modern youth culture. Why? Because it interests me.)

So what about now? There's not a snowball's chance in hell that I'll drop media com. Not only would that be STUPID at this point, but I'd probably be tortured and burned alive and, hell, probably excommunicated for it. And frick, I don't really want to drop it anyway. I love media and it excites me. But how does it contribute the the fulfillment of my hopes, dreams, and desires? How does media relate to politics, economics, human dignity, theology, the pursuit of knowledge, and the FREAKING HUMAN CONDITION IN GENERAL?? HUH?!? Tell me that, Andrew freaking John Bruner!! (Don't worry--I do love you. :)

Ahem. (expletive) Now I won't fall asleep for hours.

Spiritual Renewal: Too Dope to Pass Up

At like, 7:15 my generic Ritalin was totally wearing off and my brain was fritzing. I was walking to Spiritual Renewal evening chapel and I had a bazillion half-ideas in my mind and nothing I could do with them. Philosophy class, the sermon at Exit on Sunday, Monday's chapel, my insane busyness, and all this other BS I've been thinking about all creates this web of thoughts. One of my chicas on the wing said it's a blessing...but I don't know about that. It's bullcrap, really (hate that word. Everyone knows I mean to say bulls*** but scruples prevent me from actually saying/writing it.) Anyway, here's the guts of it:

First, there's spiritual renewal. This stuff is compelling. Not that it's new--but according to Socrates, you know everything that is knowable anyway. What's the point of revisiting the Gospel and plan of salvation? I mean, we're all saved here at TU anyway, right?? No, man. This stuff is deep and it doesn't stop with "Jesus, come into my heart."

I've thought about what "the Human Condition" entails until my mind has been drained shizless. I think there are three parts to it: 1) an understanding of oneself, 2) an understanding of the people around us, and 3) an understanding of God. Between Sunday's sermon and the last two days of chapels, all three bases are covered, plus one: we are born in alienation. We’ve fallen off the balance beam before we even got on. We are incapable of fully understanding ourselves, each other, and the Creator.

So Sunday: Darren was talking about marriage. He was giving this argument that God intended man to get married. Now, I haven't always been convinced of this. I mean, what's the real point of marriage? Is it companionship? Why isn't that possible without marriage, like with friends? Is it for children? What if I'm not prepared to have children or don't feel like I'm supposed to become a parent? Is it for sex? Isn't that shallow?

I don't have answers for these; and that used to kill me. However, I'm not as anti-marriage (for myself) as I used to be. The turning point came when I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (stop laughing. really. I mean it now.) There was just this idea of love as being independent of virtue…loving, neither lifting up (on a pedestal) nor smothering, not “in spite of” (what right do I have to love “in spite of” your problems, as if I deserve anything better?)…”to love and not devour,” essentially.

And it’s not just marriage where we fail, either. Even though we may have intense relationships with God, how does that translate to friendships? Spiritual Renewal speaker Colin Smith said that if I could see the glory that God is about to reveal in the believer sitting next to me (Danny Loudermilk), I would be sorely tempted to fall down and worship him. And eventually, nothing will compare to the Glory that Christ will reveal in each believer.

Ah, but I can’t finish that thought…ADD is a painful thing that leaves me with incomplete ideas that morph into other ones more rapidly than a generous soul might smack me across the face and spare me this ridiculosity.

Our relationship with God is something we talk about a bazooka-load here at TU. No fear, I love chapel. I love worship—more than anything, really. But there’s the concept of communication with God…an interchange with him that is ongoing and continually morphing. How does that stay fresh? To quote the SR speaker, we have a shriveled view of the Gospel, one that is unworthy of Christ’s salvation if we think it stops with the forgiveness of sin. We grow closer to Him, we grow deeper in righteousness and confidence in His Spirit.

Self-confidence is also something Pastor Smith briefly addressed today/the other day/I don’t remember. The Holy Spirit comes, not only to break the curse of sin, but to reverse it. The theological term (and I love “terms”) is sanctification. To quote the epitome of Christian knowledge and philosophy, John Avery Whittaker, “It’s a matter of the spirit. Our spirit links up with His in an eternal relationship that gives us the right perspective to understand Him better.” And not only that, we grow more like Him. If we’re growing more like Him and have Him on our side, as my dear Paul says, “What then can we say in response to this?? If God is for us, who can be against us??”

Argh. And my mind has yet more crap-o-la! to speak of. But I'm tired and organizing that mess is absurd when I have class to worry about...dang. I still have to finish reading for tomorrow.