Update: Because I don't have time to sort through old blog posts.

I'm not a libertarian anymore. Actually, I'm a lot more liberal (okay, moderate) than I used to be. I guess I'm quite the relativist when it comes to government, economics, culture, etc. I realize the need to discern what is important to a culture and to let them seek that. Sometimes (as I'm finding in Britain) people are willing and even, perhaps, eager to pay high taxes so everyone has access to a good health care system. (Yes, actually it is a very good health system. Don't listen to the conservatives who will tell you that nationalized health care will without exception go down the crapper.)

Anyway, there's a lot to say about my new/evolving economic/political views. But forgive me for my semi-dogmatic previous posts regarding politics. (Dogmatism is so hard to avoid. But I try.) I suppose future blog activity will indicate where I stand these days. Hm. Wait and see.

"This heart that you have stolen and left here broken."

God brought me back to this place again, a place of acceptance and concession to my own finitude. Perhaps I'll elaborate in the future, but for now, this quote from Lewis is my witness:

I am a safety-first creature. Of all arguments against love none makes so strong an appeal to my nature as “Careful! This might lead you to suffering.”

To my nature, my temperament, yes. Not to my conscience. When I respond to that appeal I seem myself to be a thousand miles away from Christ. If I am sure of anything I am sure that His teaching was never meant to confirm my congenital preference for safe investments and limited liabilities. I doubt whether there is anything in me that pleases Him less. And who could conceivably begin to love God on such a prudential ground—because the security (so to speak) is better? Who could even include it among the grounds for loving? Would you choose a wife or a friend—if it comes to that, would you choose a dog—in this spirit? One must be outside of the world of love, of all loves, before one thus calculates. Eros, lawless Eros, preferring the Beloved to happiness, is more like Love Himself than this.

Christ did not teach and suffer that we might become, even in the natural loves, more careful of our own happiness. If a man is not uncalculating towards the earthly loves whom he has seen, he is none the more likely to be so towards God whom he has not. We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armor. If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as the way in which they should break, so be it.

Here is the Promise and the Threat:

That within life,

this precious thing wrought

by a God of light,

though He already fought

and conquered the dark

which sought

to strip us of the Good,

I still find

that in the giving up

and committing to bind

all desires to His cross,

fear still plagues my mind

for I cannot see His hand.

Trust hurts

for we cannot know how He,

who Himself did submit

to the greatest pain that ever could be,

might call us to a fate

the glory of which we cannot see.

For He

who did not grasp

for the glory that would be,

made Himself last,

gave all to a plan

no man could see.

And now, what will He require?

to strip me

of all I have and desire

and think that I need,

to use me for His glory

the sacrifice so necessary

to refine this life

so He

may use me

to bring glory

to the Name of the Father.

And in the end every knee

will bow and everything lost

will by His Name be freed

to praise the one

who by great mercy

accepted the filth that was my only

offering to a God so Holy,

but through the offering

given by the servant king

was set free

to be given up again.

And in the shadow of that tree

I live, set free

to bring glory

and to know my Great and Endless Need

is the only one who will satisfy me.

Oh, what a difference a month makes.

It has been a while, I guess. I've been neglectful. And yet, so much has happened, I can hardly express it all in blog posts.

First, I experienced Urbana '09 at the end of December. It wasn't shocking or revelatory or especially controversial... In fact, I thought it was beautifully biblical and in every way challenging. All in all, I felt a strong confirmation that I'll never be satisfied doing anything but missions. Now, that's not remarkable in any way--"missions" is pretty broad. But I do feel quite confident that I will spend my life doing some kind of work overseas, hopefully involving economic development and definitely focused on being part of people's lives. That's what I want to do, that's what I feel called to do.

Second, Libby and I made it to England on our own and managed to get around London and now Oxford with ease. It's fun to feel capable of navigating a new country on my own, but even more than that, it's marvelous to feel at home here. I can't attribute that sense of home to any great international sense that I have, but only to God's grace and the generosity of our host family here in Oxford.

Which brings me to the third element-- the people we've been spending time with here in England are a Godsend and a blessing. Steve and Jenny Hellyer are our dad and mom for the month and they are such examples of humble servants yearning for Christ. They radiate love wherever they go.

And I can't forget to mention the other lovely people from Taylor who are here with me: Dr. Ricke is fabulous and hilarious and I enjoy interacting with him and learning from him. Lib is the best J-term roommate ever and we get along as well as an old married couple. Caleb is easily one of my favorite people in existence (and that's even besides teaching us how to play Canasta). New lovely friend in my life is Kirsten Rose Wilhelm: bright, beautiful, and with a heart that's sold out for Christ. And my tutor, Diego, is gracious and patient with me and I'm learning so much.

Things haven't been all rosy, though. In fact, a lot of thing have been more challenging than ever--I've been facing obstacles and bearing burdens that I've never experienced before. All of that deserves a few posts all to themselves, really. But there's this amazingly difficult thing called trust (much like the faith that I can't rationalize) that hurts a lot of the time and always feels uncomfortable...and I've wrestled that beast with complete desperation at times in recent days. And even when I've submitted, it has felt like Jacob's hip being put out of joint as he wrestled the angel at Bethel.

Oh, God has been so present lately, even though I've often felt blind and far from Him. I'm sometimes afraid of what may come because I know it won't be anything easy. He doesn't ask for the simple things that are easy to sacrifice. No, He requires amputations sometimes. But I know good things will come, things that will give Him glory. And that is the purpose and joy of my being so I will choose to seek it.

A Little Encouragement Goodness and a few Proverbs too.

"Child, trust is unique. Do not waste it. Emotion is not consistent or faithful; fact and knowledge will not satisfy your soul. But hope and trust go beyond your head and your heart.

"When you find something trustworthy, something good, true, excellent, praiseworthy, just, pure, and consistently so, cling to it. In Christ, cling to whatever shows you God's character. Mistrust pervasively characterizes humanity, but not your own life."

"Peace, Child. You don't know what's coming. You don't even know what's happening right now. Be patient. Give it back to me. Holding onto it yourself isn't even faith. Just let me take over."

"Being honest is more than not lying. It demands that we confront all those sin-tainted aspects of our lives and at least acknowledge that we fail. We fail as friends. We don't care, we don't sacrifice, we aren't sincere, we aren't truthful. Let's not pretend like we are.

"But when I admit that I'm a failure, what pride do I have left to keep me from forgiving your flaws? We can see things as they are, take the world as it is, and in this honest light, make the most of our time on earth."

"Honesty requires understanding. We must know the meaning, consequences, and implications of our words. A fool drinks whiskey straight who doesn't know the possible effects of strong alcohol. He who judges hastily or speaks rashly or commands hypocritically is likewise a fool or an evil man."

"People should be told when they're doing something right."

"Honesty is not easy. It's the damn hardest thing you'll ever commit to live by. This is the ethic of warriors and desperate men in a world of children and beasts. The honest man is the enemy of all liars--himself included."

"We are shallow in our praise and hasty in our criticism."

"How can you 'love wisdom' and reject the goodness of humility? Humility is the most distinguishing virtue--because no one has it. The one thing that makes a man a true leader is humility. Anyone can give orders. Almost anyone can make decisions. Most people can organize and oversee. Few can admit when they're wrong, accept criticism, and listen to others with an open mind."

"In every relationship, in every pursuit, in every conversation, in every comment and word and deed, let me only edify, encourage, embolden, challenge, and build up those around me. May I never waste words that weigh others down, may I check myself against His Word to reveal and correct any error or selfishness in me. Let me never judge by my own standard but by God's and by that, all equally. May there be no deceit in me, may my words and actions proclaim His Truth before all else so that His Glory will be my witness."

Amen.

Little Bits of Information That Probably Shouldn't Interest Too Many People

First of all, I've been on a Josh Garrels kick for about three weeks. That means that he's been about 90% of all music I've been listening to. A-mazing.

Also, I bought books recently. It was impulsive and wonderful and I feel smidge guilty about it. I got A Cry Like A Bell by Madeleine L'Engle from the library for $1. WIN. Then I went to Borders with three 30% Off coupons in my hand and I took full advantage of each one. I got The Eternal Husband by Dostoyevsky, The Idea of Justice and Development as Freedom by Amartya Sen, Knowledge of the Holy by A.W. Tozer, and Life is a Miracle by Wendell Berry. I feel very, very materialistic, but it's SOOO good. I can't resist.

(Actually I made a fool of myself at the bookstore. I took a pile of books in my hands--like 9 or so--and I plopped down with my back up against a table leg and I started reading. I was mumbling to myself, sometimes increasing in volume and even blurting out my reaction to something the author said, and pretty much acting crazy. I hope not too many people were scared of me.)

And that is the lunacy that I end up in when left to my own devices.

This Is My Life, This Is My Family.

Today has been full of random activites. I slept over at Hoags's house last night which was fabulous. She and I went to pick up a book from Borders, but they didn't have it so we went to Barnes and Noble. Now, we didn't just pick up a book. That's impossible. We spent a total of maybe two and a half hours in the book stores. It was marvelous.

This morning I drove home in a tizzy because I had left my wallet (with driver's license and debit card) at home the day before. I left Downer's Grove with probably 3/16 of a tank of gas. Thank heaven I made it home.

After I got home I rushed to the mall to meet Mom and Grandma in order to find a coat for Gma to buy me for Christmas. (Unfortunately, surprises are non-existent in the world of practical Christmas presents.) I liked the first one I tried on, but Mom said, "Try on some more!" So I did for about a half hour, then ended up buying the first one anyway.

Then I came home and made banana-chocolate chip bread.

At one point while Lara and I were watching Dirty Jobs while my bread baked I asked the brilliant and wise 13-year-old a question I've been pondering for the past few days. "Lara, is it just me, or is our family really nuts??"

Honestly, I have been wondering. For example, my dad is wonderful and extremely eccentric. Sometimes it's hard to hold a conversation with him because he has so many things going through his mind at one time that he can't focus on what's at hand. I think I'm a lot like him, actually. And he's not the only one, but my other family members read this blog. :)

But Lara's answer was, as I said, wise and brilliant. "Yes, our family is nuts." "Oh good, it's not just me," I said. "But," she said, "you're one of those nuts family members."

Yes, I know it. I'm very aware of it. My eccentricities are rather glaring. For example, I write compulsively and I talk to myself a LOT. I think if someone observed my life 24/7, they'd probably think I was schitzophrenic. Also, I am obsessive about books and knowledge and learning. I found a book in B&N yesterday that was the "Human Anatomy Coloring Book." I would have bought it if I hadn't forgotten my wallet at home. I thought how much I'd love to study A&P on the plane ride to London in two weeks.

And these are only the eccentricities that I'm actually willing to write about for all the world (at least, all of those on the world who read this blog) to know. There are more, trust me.

But Lara said something else that was brilliant and wise. "I wish everybody wouldn't try so hard to be on their best behavior so we could all realize that everybody's family is nuts." And she's so right. My family is definitely nuts, but I bet yours is too--no matter how perfect they seem.

Caroline and I went for a walk at Izaak Walton this afternoon. It was full of silliness and deep conversation and made me remember how much I love being home. We talked about eccentricities and she said that her eccentricities make her need grace from others and my eccentricities make me need to give grace to others. An accurate distinction, I think. (We also talked about her poor logic as she came to the conclusion that anything white is a toilet. Then I gave in and we gloried in the little white toilets falling from the sky. Yes, I'm serious. Yes, we were kidding.)

Anyway, there's a lot of crazy in my genes. I'd like to blame my family for my own eccentricites because they bring it out in me, for sure.

*Note: I just took a break from writing to go eat dinner with the family. Oh, heavens.

It takes a lot of grace to love them. I'm sure they give me a lot of grace, too (like when I forget my wallet at home). But as I told Caroline, the fact that our great God loves all of us in our absurdities is only a greater testament to His mercy and compassion. Who deserves such love? Who deserves such sacrifice? Not one, me least of all. And that's the beauty of it.