Though my spring break had little "break" in it, I've changed my thinking a lot in the last week. And actually, it had little or nothing to do with the fact that I was in Nicaragua on a business-as-missions trip.
The thing that proved to be most compelling throughout the week is that I am OVER-COMMITTED. And I take no pride in that fact. Truly, the more I think about it, the more I feel humbled by my own arrogance and irresponsibility in taking on so much.
No one sees any of this. They all see the "involved," "competent," "responsible," and "efficient" Elena. I don't know how I manage to keep that cover, but underneath -- my friends, I've been drowning this past month. I've been entirely overwhelmed by the multitude of things I'm committed to doing. And to add insult to injury, whenever I tell people what I'm busy with, instead of feeling proud of myself I only feel ashamed of how arrogant I sound. "Oh, I have a meeting, then an interview, then another meeting, then an article to write, then I'm applying for this-and-such position..." WHO'S REALLY IMPRESSED???
No one. And certainly not God. Isn't that the purpose in the end--glorifying the one who deserves it?
Of course, I can rationalize all of these tasks and obligations--and I do. I do SO well. "This will help me develop skills in leadership and management! I can glorify God through that." "This will develop my skills in communication and writing! That will glorify God, too."
But what really glorifies God? REALLY.
Ultimately, it's simple. There's no task, no duty, no obligation, no responsibility, no skill, no activity that will help me glorify God. The thing that glorifies Him most is BEING. That's what he created me for, that is my vocation and my calling. "Not to undermine the consequence, but you are not what you do." If whatever I do enhances my BEING, my life, my truest, simplest, most authentic and honest state, then it is worthwhile. That is my criteria from now on.
Lent: A Love/Hate Relationship
3 days ago