Shane Claiborne and Thoughts

He visited campus yesterday and spoke last night.

Nothing new, really. I've heard most of it before and I've read his book. But oh, was it good. I needed/wanted to hear all of that so badly.

Lately I've been frustrated beyond words (literally, sometimes) about being so self-consumed. College campuses only facilitate that self-centeredness. I don't have to worry about anyone except myself, for the most part. This is about MY classes, MY grades, MY resume, MY friends, MY life. I'm so done with that.

I realized it especially because even my prayers seem self-focused, thanking God for what He's done in MY life, considering MY flaws and moral failures and how to improve MYself. And really, that's not horrible; at least I'm talking to Him and giving Him credit. But I've always wanted to learn contemplative prayer, being able to focus purely on God and not in relation to anything else. But a friend pointed out to me that our minds just can't work that way. And I guess that's part of being finite.

But still, I want to get outside of myself. Yeah, people say that crap all the time, I'm sure. But really, I want to pursue Jesus with single-mindedness. Singly focused on Him.

If you didn't know, I've been in a long and drawn-out process of applying for an internship in Washington, DC this summer. It looked super promising and I thought it was the best opportunity ever. I would be able to explore how media fits into public policy, maybe learn more about non-profits, etc. etc. etc. Well, they've been frustrating and haven't even gotten back to me since the final interview over a week ago (I can stand rejection, but heaven and earth, don't forget about me.) Anyway, I don't even care anymore. I don't want to work for them. Even if they showed up and apologized and wanted me desperately for the summer, I probably wouldn't take it. Instead, I'm going to work at a youth camp in Colorado. Hm, let's look at this: prestigous non-profit, exciting field, competitive pay, DC, independence, and portfolio pieces vs. small youth camp, cabins, pay?, angsty teen campers, being totally tied down to one location for two and half months... Easy decision!! (Of course, there are lots of plusses to Colorado that I didn't put in that list. For example, Colorado. But still, you get the idea.)

Anyway, for once, I'm stoked about life after May 23. Yeah, there are still a lot of uncertainties (heck, I don't even have the Timberline job yet) but God didn't create us to be omniscient. So in the midst of everything, I am left with one option:

#4 Embrace the fact that you are finite.

another revelation. seems like I should have learned this a while ago...

Though my spring break had little "break" in it, I've changed my thinking a lot in the last week. And actually, it had little or nothing to do with the fact that I was in Nicaragua on a business-as-missions trip.

The thing that proved to be most compelling throughout the week is that I am OVER-COMMITTED. And I take no pride in that fact. Truly, the more I think about it, the more I feel humbled by my own arrogance and irresponsibility in taking on so much.

No one sees any of this. They all see the "involved," "competent," "responsible," and "efficient" Elena. I don't know how I manage to keep that cover, but underneath -- my friends, I've been drowning this past month. I've been entirely overwhelmed by the multitude of things I'm committed to doing. And to add insult to injury, whenever I tell people what I'm busy with, instead of feeling proud of myself I only feel ashamed of how arrogant I sound. "Oh, I have a meeting, then an interview, then another meeting, then an article to write, then I'm applying for this-and-such position..." WHO'S REALLY IMPRESSED???

No one. And certainly not God. Isn't that the purpose in the end--glorifying the one who deserves it?

Of course, I can rationalize all of these tasks and obligations--and I do. I do SO well. "This will help me develop skills in leadership and management! I can glorify God through that." "This will develop my skills in communication and writing! That will glorify God, too."

But what really glorifies God? REALLY.
Ultimately, it's simple. There's no task, no duty, no obligation, no responsibility, no skill, no activity that will help me glorify God. The thing that glorifies Him most is BEING. That's what he created me for, that is my vocation and my calling. "Not to undermine the consequence, but you are not what you do." If whatever I do enhances my BEING, my life, my truest, simplest, most authentic and honest state, then it is worthwhile. That is my criteria from now on.

I Want to be a Producer!!

Why do people expect little answers to big questions??

current big question: what do I want to do with my life?

Now, I'd be an idiot to think that God is going to give me some tiny, incredibly specific answer to that question. There are a hundred million things I'm interested in, dozens of places I want to go, and several things I'm pretty good at. It seems like a needle-in-a-haystack question. One pin among a billion little pointy straws is hard to find and I think the process would be painful, if it was even successful in the end.

But God has certainly given me a broad answer and through unexpected :) people. Producer. Haha... yes, that could mean almost anything in this world. Producer of big-budget motion pictures, producer of media resources for non-profit organizations, business management, public relations for a think tank, etc. etc. etc.

My adviser, my professors, my intentional friends, and my unexpected friends have all told me that I have the qualities of a producer. (My mom wouldn't believe it, considering my disorganization at home, but I think that's a totally different situation.)

So, I guess that's truly comforting. I know what general direction I'm headed in my life, but it's not a teensy-weensy, narrow, one-step-in-the-wrong-direction-and-you're-doomed kind of path. I have lots of choices I can still make. I'm not tied down. And that's a damn good thing, because I'm a pretty free spirit.

current big task: exploring internships that integrate public policy/economics, media, and producing.