Oh, Hillary

BBC News Headline shows how out-of-touch Americans can be sometimes--even in the White House:

Clinton warns Iran 'becoming a military dictatorship'

Obviously not much of a story there. HELLO, UNITED STATES!! Iran has been a military dictatorship since Ayatolla Khomeini took power in 1979 and Ahmadinejad has not improved anything in the past five years.

PLEASE pray for Iran. There are people there who live in abject poverty yet their government does nothing to help. Instead, the regime there is in fact a threat to its own people.

"Let all creatures be silent before You; do You alone speak to me."

*Quote from Thomas a Kempis

Here's some word vomit for you:

There comes a point when the problem with praying is not that at the outset it is a struggle to begin, to focus, to have a certain mindset; but that once you finally receive the gift of His presence, you can't seem to want to STOP. When the truest pleasure comes from spending time alone with Him and everything else seems bland and mediocre in comparison, God has become more your crutch than ever.

There have been moments when I struggle to find some kind of motivation to even rouse myself from praying to eat or do what are normally enjoyable activities. Perhaps at this point, other people are confused or think you must be depressed (which may be the case at some times). But I find that in those moments God has shown me the greatest joy of eternity. "Amen" is your least favorite word. Bent knees and folded hands are hardly the beginning of it.

It's even ironic--we often come to God hoping He will fill up the discontentment of our earthly lives. Instead, when we find Him we only realize that the peace that comes in knowing Him only makes the earthly discontentment all the greater.

Irony

Things are going great for me right now. Really, I'm very satisfied with my life. And I've had enough of it.

Happy times are all well and good, but I don't think I'll ever be happy being happy. I'm happiest when I'm miserable. (I'm not kidding.) In the moments when I feel the most desperate, the most disgusting, and the least desirable...in those moments I love my great God most. I realize in those times that my worthlessness has no effect on His greatness and the grime of my sin only shows that His love is stronger than anything I can imagine.

My sappy spirituality on the good days is nothing compared to my brokenhearted longing for more of His perfection. There's nothing like being silent and helpless before the Father, crying out for Him to fill you because you're empty. I love laughing and I love being satisfied with how my life is going, but "how my life is going" seems to be the opposite of how much I depend on Christ.

I suppose that only shows how much of a disgusting wretch I am. Geez. I'm just one of those people whose faith is a crutch for the hard times, huh? Oh, God, I hope not. But I'd rather be someone who needs a crutch every single day of the week. I want the passion and determination to seek with all my heart, in the hard times and the good ones. That's the challenge. God, let me never be complacent.

--edited September 5--

I realized the obvious yesterday: I can make my blessed life more difficult and I'm also supposed to do so. I think that's why Jesus taught us the disciplines, particularly those of deprivation. In addition to taming the spirit and the desires of the flesh, by giving up those things that comfort or distract or satisfy, I am left empty--and He is more than willing to fill me up.

For example, I'm a fidgeter. When nothing much is going on, I need to be doing something with my hands. Often that lands me on the computer doing something worthless...but last night I tried something different. I pulled out my prayer journal and I copied Romans 8. (I know, I know, get off it already. But I LOVE that chapter!) It was a great way to go through each verse and really meditate over it. It was also cool because I was copying the ESV version and I previously memorized the NIV version so I was able to compare the two as I wrote (I prefer the NIV, fyi.) So that's my new plan--when fidgety, copy passages into my notebook. I want to go through the rest of Romans, then Philippians, and who knows--I'm such an antsy person that maybe I'll be ranked up there with the scribes of the Medieval ages and have the whole New Testament done by May.

Shane Claiborne and Thoughts

He visited campus yesterday and spoke last night.

Nothing new, really. I've heard most of it before and I've read his book. But oh, was it good. I needed/wanted to hear all of that so badly.

Lately I've been frustrated beyond words (literally, sometimes) about being so self-consumed. College campuses only facilitate that self-centeredness. I don't have to worry about anyone except myself, for the most part. This is about MY classes, MY grades, MY resume, MY friends, MY life. I'm so done with that.

I realized it especially because even my prayers seem self-focused, thanking God for what He's done in MY life, considering MY flaws and moral failures and how to improve MYself. And really, that's not horrible; at least I'm talking to Him and giving Him credit. But I've always wanted to learn contemplative prayer, being able to focus purely on God and not in relation to anything else. But a friend pointed out to me that our minds just can't work that way. And I guess that's part of being finite.

But still, I want to get outside of myself. Yeah, people say that crap all the time, I'm sure. But really, I want to pursue Jesus with single-mindedness. Singly focused on Him.

If you didn't know, I've been in a long and drawn-out process of applying for an internship in Washington, DC this summer. It looked super promising and I thought it was the best opportunity ever. I would be able to explore how media fits into public policy, maybe learn more about non-profits, etc. etc. etc. Well, they've been frustrating and haven't even gotten back to me since the final interview over a week ago (I can stand rejection, but heaven and earth, don't forget about me.) Anyway, I don't even care anymore. I don't want to work for them. Even if they showed up and apologized and wanted me desperately for the summer, I probably wouldn't take it. Instead, I'm going to work at a youth camp in Colorado. Hm, let's look at this: prestigous non-profit, exciting field, competitive pay, DC, independence, and portfolio pieces vs. small youth camp, cabins, pay?, angsty teen campers, being totally tied down to one location for two and half months... Easy decision!! (Of course, there are lots of plusses to Colorado that I didn't put in that list. For example, Colorado. But still, you get the idea.)

Anyway, for once, I'm stoked about life after May 23. Yeah, there are still a lot of uncertainties (heck, I don't even have the Timberline job yet) but God didn't create us to be omniscient. So in the midst of everything, I am left with one option:

#4 Embrace the fact that you are finite.