Thursday, February 19, 2009

overcommitment = arrogance, cowardice, and exhaustion

When people ask what I'm involved in, I am always hesitant to rattle off the list.

Besides five classes, I have:

- spring break missions trip (now SIFE, too)
- station manager for the media department
- Echo
- teaching assistant
- Randomly Famous (start-up business venture)
- small group leader
- Ethics Bowl competition
- applying for internships...

To be honest, the hours that I should put into all of these would maybe overflow the actual week, and at least knock virtually all sleep out of the equation.

But oh, I'm not proud of this list. At the moment, I'm thoroughly embarrassed by it. Are you kidding me?? Perhaps it's impressive and maybe I'm even being somewhat effective in all of these positions. But this campus is filled with students who can't say no, who are all supposedly suited to leadership roles, and who are too caught up in what could be to appreciate what's happening now. I'm just another one of those. And no one sees past my "dedication" and "enthusiasm" and "intelligence" and "discipline" to see what's really happening--

I'm too arrogant -- I think that the other people involved in each of these are too dependent on me and would be devastated if I quit.
I'm too cowardly -- I couldn't stand the embarrassment of actually admitting that I'm over-committed and perhaps didn't anticipate what I've got myself into.
I'm dead tired -- sleep for the last three nights has been 5 hours, 3 hours, 5 hours, and I'm probably looking at 4 hours tonight.

I suppose I do enjoy all of these things, for the most part. I can't pick any one item that I would want to give up right now. And some true satisfaction came last weekend when I was putting together my resume. Yeah, baby--show it off to the people who care.

But really, I eagerly look forward to the day when I can pour myself into a single project or plan or goal. Then I'll have free time. In my free time, I will love people. And that will be my life.

*oh, one good thing is that my attitude never gets down. Yeah, I'm being introspective right now and I'd rather be sleeping, most definitely; but the women on my wing all notice that I have joy and laughter even in my stress. The frustration radiates through my back and neck and shoulders, but fortunately doesn't affect my smile. Nice.

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