For the last 9 years of my life, I've spent each day in constant anticipation of what's to come. I look forward to this, schedule that, need to know how something will turn out in the end.
For the last 9 months, I've felt like every day I've been on the brink of something. God has been preparing me for each new day and something marvelous always seemed to be on the horizon.
Today, I'm suddenly struck that waiting is over. I'm done planning my life and constantly waiting for something new to happen.
I'm suddenly struck with the painful thought that after May 23, my life will never be the same as it is in this period of love and learning. Suddenly, I'm afraid once more that I will lose something at the end of the spring semester (though it hasn't even begun yet.)
I was always waiting for something to come...now I'm afraid that I'll lose what I've gained...is life really always this unsettling?? Is it constant flux, unending anticipation of change? It seems to demand a patience that I am so unable to procure in myself. I sometimes feel like I can't deal with it. I just want things to stop for a moment and let the world revolve without anything else changing.
"Nothing ever really ends but something new doesn't begin. When something ends in our sight, it begins somewhere else where we can't hear it or see it or feel it."
With the threat of things going badly also comes the possibility that they will become even better somehow. (I could make an economics illustration here, but I'll stand against that impulse.)
Anyway, I'm done making plans. What bull! My plans are so pitiful. And then I try to make them come true by my own measures, though that's never miracle enough to be of any good. Forget that trash.
1 day ago